If they make you comfortable, RUN.

The cycle of abuse that many of the ASD community, especially the females of the ASD community see and contend with on a regular basis is upsetting to me. As a female who was diagnosed with Aspergers in childhood without knowledge of it until adulthood, there are many things that could have been done to prepare me for the future. One of those things would have been that I was informed about the diagnosis. As much as I am aware that Aspergers is a deficit in mainly the sensory and communication side of the spectrum and I had the ability to speak and communicate verbally, my parents decided that it was in my best interest to ignore the diagnosis because there was ‘nothing wrong with me. I was just a late reader; a late walker and I spoke using words like antagonizing by the age of 4.

And though I have an IQ of 126, I had to buy an emotion thesaurus (yes that is a real thing), to add the body language that my readers needed into the novels I write. I am gullible, a klutz (walking into things constantly), and easily manipulated into believing that I am at fault for things that are not my doing. My parents did nothing to help with the deficits that I supposedly didn’t have because they couldn’t see them. Because I was used to being treated throughout my life as if I am overly sensitive and unable to make decisions for myself, that is what I expected from everyone around me. This led to the very confusing realization that if I feel the same ‘childhood comfort (I will explain this is a bit)’ in any sort of relationship whether friends or more, that I need to run.

I was so used to being ostracized and cast out for my perception of what is going on around me that it is what I expected from everyone, including my relationships. This led to the mental and emotional abuse that I suffered at the hands of my daughter’s father. It took years of abuse and neglect by that man to finally SEE the pattern of abuse that I was enduring. That abuse became worse over time, then crossed the border into physical violence and the need for protection.

I understand that it was not my parents’ hands that landed on me as an adult as that only happened in childhood, however it was their refusal to acknowledge the diagnosis and comprehend that just because you can’t see that something is wrong with another person, doesn’t mean that it isn’t there. If they had taken the time to understand that language extends past the ability to speak, or that the perception of the world around them can differ from their own, they could have understood me. This in turn may have led them to the realization that I needed help they couldn’t offer. That isn’t something they can conceive of though.

One day, one of my parents said something to me that was very off putting. Her and my other parent have foster children and as much as I commend them for opening their home to them, the words, “She is just like you. She is creative, emotional and will break down over silly things. It’s as if I am raising you all over again.”

My hackles rose and I spoke to my husband, who knows me better than I know myself most of the time. He told me that I need to listen to myself on this one because what I am feeling matters. So, I gathered my courage and sent her a text message that I wanted to send her months prior when I found out that I had a childhood diagnosis. I sent her the ‘checklist of symptoms for ASD in girls” in its entirety, which I had made notations on detailing the problems that I was facing in certain areas on the list, detailing them to my childhood and how it affected my behavior. Then I said (it was something along these lines), “If ‘she’ is just like I was when I was a child and teenager then you need to have her tested as soon as you can. If you are using the same discipline you used on me and she has ASD like I do, it is considered abuse now.”

That text message was the last time I heard from that parent in any capacity. She will not speak to me, and I am not anticipating that I will ever hear from her again. The inability for someone to admit their own mistakes and instead expect me to take responsibility for their actions is a cycle I realized, and it has changed my life. This person fully expects me to apologize and admit that I am wrong in my words to her, even though I am not. I was never accepted into that part of my family for who I am to begin with so why would I take back the truth simply because she doesn’t accept it or it wasn’t put in pretty words? I believe this is part of why parental estrangement is such a prevalent problem in the spectrum community. It is also the reason why…

 I make sure that my daughter feels loved and accepted every day.

I adjust my own emotional behavior to reflect what I expect from my daughter. (Mirroring)

I ensure that a change in plans is known ahead of time for her to adapt. (she needs a minute to adjust her expectations)

I don’t punish the overload and instead give her a place she feels safe and secure to unwind. (when she needs a moment, she needs a moment)

I teach her that our hyper-focuses can pay for themselves in most situations (she has chickens, they lay eggs, so she sells the eggs to pay for the food. I am an artist and an author; I sell the things I make to cover the cost of supplies).

I don’t ever let her feel that being wronged is appropriate behavior by anyone.

And because I don’t ever want my daughter to have to run if someone makes her feel comfortable. I aim every day to make happy and safe the feeling of comfort that she can rely on.

It’s those of us who have been either trained or been in a long-term relationship where we have learned to expect the worst from people that I am aiming this at as well as those who are raising a child on the spectrum. We perceive the world differently and don’t always have the ‘street smarts’ others have that will tell us that something is off with someone’s behavior until it’s too late. If we learn what real acceptance is and feels like to us, we know what we are looking for, otherwise, we are just continuing the cycle without even realizing we are doing it.

Statistics say that….

nine out of ten Autistic women have been victims of sexual violence which is three times more likely than those who are not Autistic. And are three to four times more likely than non-autistic women to be sexually abused in childhood.

Let’s do our best as parents and friends to ensure that the next generation of us have a better foundation for success.